The saddness

why do they always make you feel like your only one in the world,then they turn right around and make you feel so much saddness.why do we love what always ends up makeing us sad.truth is it we let them and they make us feel that way so they can have something to control.love is becomeing so over rated to me now.but thats all I want, is to love and be loved.sometimes you will lose with anything you try to do.what is this thing called love is there more to it then I know?is love at first site real or is it just what they say to draw us in to use our love as a weapon.its the whole why do we hurt the ones we love.

I know he can tell Im upset alittle I know he can tell I dont want to push the subject but why is he letting this happen?so he can have the upper hand and tell me Im just being paranoid?

or is he just doing because he can and thats that..

thats why I think there is no man out there that can tie me down or hold on to me too long they are afraid that I might be good for them and they are scared shitless.or they just dont want to stick around and wait for me to put out.

this really is driveing me crazy

Its been a while my dear...

so its been a while since I have blogged. *sigh* I have been kinda depressed the last few months.not alot has changed but I havent at all other then the boyfriend I have now.I have great feelings for this one but I have never met him in person its a online relationship.I dont know how long it will go on.as you can tell by the time on this post its really early or should I say really really late!it seems that my worrys still go on even though its a online relationship.I havent felt wanted or loved in this way for a long time.my main worrys are that I could be fooled or cheated on.granted its a online relationship.my feelings are growing stronger and I can see myself being in deep love with this one.but Im worried that he isnt being faithful, yes I know is a online deal but this worry is still bugging me.personaly I wouldnt do anything behind his back.but I think its just my paranoia.I have no reason to doubt him and he has no reason to doubt me but I want this to work.as I have said in past blogs Im tired of being treated like crap and being cheated on.I would like just to be told the truth and so far I have been but I think my paranoia is getting the best of me.I reall wish there was some way to truely know whats going on in a guys head with out cutting it open like a hard boiled egg........gah.

yea I have guy friends yea he has friends that are girls but I think maybe he worrys about the same thing?or am I just blowing it way out there....my worrys could all be true but they could also be all pointless and I have nothing to worry about!

sometimes you will never know,

Confused

so I keep talking about my friend whom I liked very much, well something happend and he has deleted me from facebook, myspace and so on..I really like this guy and Im at a loss as to whats going on.I have no clue what I did or didnt do.my guess is that he has a girlfriend now or something along that line...I dont care if someone doesnt want to talk to me again I just like knowing why.this hrut my feelings and I will miss him as a friend..I thought we had something.or mabe he is just like all guys and wants nothing moe then to get off.I really really liked this guy I just dont know what Im going to do.Im worthless I guess why anyone would want me now is behond me.when ever I try to have some kind of happiness this shit happens.this isnt the first time someone has just stoped tallking to me and I have no clue why.I hate being lied too and just tossed aside like this.Im not just someone you can just treat like shit and not tell why Im being treated liket this.

Im over this, I dont even know why I bother.

Puppy Love

just 2 kids 5 and 6 holding hands on the playground.first kiss and all soccer games are a miss.maybe true loves kiss?school yards and swing sets, we were only 5 and 6.changed schools lost one another.I still remember when we were 5 and 6.another new school I was scared, but there you were older now but some how the same as I remember.we were too shy as we got older so we never talked like we did when we were 5 and 6.and just like that you were gone.I thought I would never see you again.so 12 long years have come and gone and like a book to the face I find you waiting for me.now that everything has changed from when we were young but we can still hold hands on the playgound like when we were 5 and 6.

I found my grade K sweetheart on facebook in the last week, I was shocked when he rememberd me as well as I rememberd him!I cried as I spoke to him and we both never forgot one another!I always sreach for people I know on myspace or facebook, then I found him.he had not changed from what I rememberd of him.maybe just maybe thee is hope for this bitter bitch after all.

So long to the Queen

I have here in the last few months befriended a guy from the uk, we hit it off nicely.much to my dis may he said he was liveing with his ex wife which turned out to be not so much a ex wife.I have not said a word to either of them and will not.I feel bad for her, really I do.how her husband could just freely do such a thing.Im just as much at fault as he is.I truely feel bad for the both of them.Im not going to dwell on this one bit.I am sad that I have lost a friend I liked chatting to but non the less Im happy to be free of this drama.

other then that I found my grade school crush.whom I will blog about next

Somebody find me somebody to love

I have spent alot of time looking around for the right guy in my life and I never seem to get lucky.but here in the last month or so I have been getting alot of looks and glances from all kinds of guys.one guy keeps asking me out, this guy cant be more then 17 and donesnt look like hes saveing yet!then there was the ice cream dude *if you read my last blog it will tell you about him*

I keep putting myself into a rock in a hard place!right now I have met a new guy.we are into the same things and for the most part, we have alot in common other then he likes Trent Reznor, whom I can not stand!

I did the girl thing over this, weak in the knees kinda bullshit.stuff I just dont do over just anyone.but my friend has popped back up, I am really in like with him.yes I said like it isnt a type-o.I now feel like a whore but havent done anthing that would make me a whore but non the less I do.

I am a whats happening now kinda gal and yes I like to flirt and play the feild so to speak but Im just not used to haveing to make choices like this.I could go on and on about how I cant really get guys.I do and I dont!Im picky and I just dont like haveing to make up my mind in this way.

so its pretty much like this

A)take a chance on something new *again*

B)stick with the old choice

C)or just dont make up my mind and run away screaming to my room and keep doing the Im going to be alone bull crap I have always done

for the most part I feel like shit for talking to these guys at the same time, yea Im not with either of them nor am I sleeping with them.I mostly feel like this cus I like both of them at the same time and I know it isnt fair to do that.not only is it not fair to them its not fair to myself!haveing to make my mind up is hard for me, as I said Im not used to haveig this put on my plate.

why are guys flocking to me like this?!I dont get it, I dont wear shirts that show half my clevage.Im a t shit wearing tom boy for fuck sake!and how is eatting an ice cream cone sexy if your not doing it on purpose?or just walking down the street?

why are men so fucking stupid?!why now?

In heat?

ok this is creaping me out this was my day..I get off work early and I was crossing the sreet to go see a friend,I get to the cross walk and this younger guy walks up and asks me if I had a smoke to bum and if I was single!later my mom tells me that one of our dogs has gone missing.Im on the phone with her talking about what we are going to do and if she is up to comeing to get me.just about 5 minutes before I was like I would like some ice cream.Im on the phone with her and this guy walks by.I look up and take a bite and right as I do this guy walks by and looks right at me as I take a bite.he stoped dead in his tracks and looks at me like he was about to jump me and fuck me right there..sure I thought he was cute but it was weird!he stood there for like a minute, looking at me.all I could do was take another bite and blurt out a shy hi..I must be in heat or something couse I have no clue whats going on!

just yesterday I got hit on by this older biker guy that looks like mr.cleans grandfather.he walked right up to me and said I was the prettist girl there and that I had nice hair,bright eyes and a nice smile.

creeeeeeeeepy